The Name Thief


Mr. Ganesh Ghosh Waghmade, an eminent professor at the Outer Delhi University is known for his extraordinary work in translating the poems of Mirza Ghalib into eight different languages; one being english and the rest being the languages of the seven other plants of our solar system. When asked, Mr. Ganesh replied heartily that he wrote the other translations only to get the critics review his work as ‘out of this world.’

Mr. Ganesh Ghosh Waghmade was born to a Bengali mother and a Maharashtrian father. The arguments between his parents over significant matters impacting Ganesh’s life, like to which state he actually belonged, or what dress he should wear for the fancy dress competition where he was supposed to be an Sandwich maker, or how he should part his hairs, or which shoe he should wear on the left foot, have imbibed in Mr. Ganesh a great sense of confusion which he is highly proud of.

Though being a professor of Geology, he was one day found teaching the students of Economics which compelled the professor of Psychology to teach the students of History. Later, the principal had to call the teachers to the cafeteria to look into the matter and sort out the confusion. After four hours of rigorous brainstorming, Mr. Ganesh was asked for an explanation to which he got up, took his hand bag, showed middle finger to the staff, and walked coldly out of the cafeteria. Though startled initially, later the staff members agreed upon that Mr. Ganesh wanted to go to the loo, as showing a single finger to someone was a sign of that, like touching someones feet is a sign of respect.

To this day Mr. Ganesh has confusion over his middle name and many a times he sleeps with Waghmade as middle name only to be startled in the morning to find it changed to Ghosh. Upon asking his happily quarrelling parents, he is told that this act of indecency either must have been committed by their help Ramu or the President of India.

Troubled over which middle name to carry for the college, one day Mr. Ganesh decided to settle the thing once and for all. He decided to stay awake all night and catch the name thief.
It’s the same night he was able to decipher the exact meaning of Ghalib’s lines: ‘Unke Dekhe Se Jo Aa Jati Hai Chehre Pe Raunak, Wo Samajhte Hain Bimmar Ka Haal Achcha Hai.’
His english translation went something like, ‘I blush when I see her, and she thinks the patient is recovering?’

Ghalib was proud of his reputation as a rake. He was once imprisoned for gambling and subsequently relished the affair with pride. In the Mughal court circles, he even acquired a reputation as a “ladies’ man”. There are conflicting reports regarding his relationship with his wife. – Source: Wikipedia

Digging deep into the text and trying to read-between-the-lines, he made a startling discovery that Ghalib wrote these lines while on a ventilator in a hospital. And after thorough Brain mapping and ECG, the doctors concluded that Ghalib was suffering from Betterhalf-o-diarrhoea, a disease commonly found among the males and occurs when a man, in an attempt to please his counterpart, tries to over-eat the food cooked by her.

Just as he was about to move on to the next sonnet, he saw a rat enter through the hole in the door carrying his dad’s last name and exchange it with Ganesh’s middle name. As the rat strode silently out of the room, Ganesh burst into a stream of laughter. That night he slept really well, content over the fact that he was not the only one in the house with the name problem.


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