The Naughty Buffaloes of Rampur


Finally, Azam Khan’s seven beauties are safely back home. Ah! Nation takes a sigh of relief. After all, our police has many more irrelevant duties – like protecting the citizens – to perform?

Azam Khan seems to be a nice man. His care for the animals is commendable – it is a different matter altogether that he got three police officials transferred after this calamity. Animal right activists must honour his gallantry.

As elections are near, this episode is believed to have an impact on the national politics. Tomorrow, Congress will call it a ‘communal conspiracy’ against Rahul Gandhi. BJP will write a confidential letter (which our Tezz media will leak before it reaches the minister) to the Home Minister, stating that Arvind Kejriwal made up all this to gain cheap media publicity. Aam Aadmi Party on the other hand will call a press conference and ask all the buffalo owners to join hands against the corrupts.
Whereas, the third front will reiterate that there is no Modi wave!

AzamWhile many conspiracy theories will evolve now, our media will make us forget the plight of the poor buffaloes. After all, what forced them to run away from their home?

An undercover reporter, who doesn’t want to be named out of fear of his mother-in-law, went inside the house of Azam Khan and tried to uncover the truth.
Here is the truth!

Reporter (to buffalo): “Your master cares for you so much, why did you run away then?”

Head Buffalo: “Look, Bra-dar. We is don’t like this man Azam Khan. He go to Ame-rika to no about waste management. He study no thing!
We is still made to sit on our shit! That is why we decide, No more shit, and run away.”

And then the reporter questioned Azam Khan.

Reporter: “Sir, it is clear that you love your buffaloes. So why did they run away from your house? What is the conspiracy?”

Azam Khan (after removing his spectacles):
“Look, there is no conspiracy at all. Social Media is creating the conspiracy!
Buffaloes are like… daughters to me. It is when I asked them to cook Rogan Gosht for me they took offence and ran away.

Are You a Dude?


There is a gush of hot blood through my veins when someone calls me ‘Dude,’ and my hands itch to break his nose into a million pieces. Some people, though, feel overjoyed when they are addressed as Dude. For me, ‘dude’ is one of the most offensive words we non-native english speakers have downloaded via Facebook. The first image that comes to my mind when I hear the word is that of a person whose shoes look better than his face.

So, what makes a person a dude? Here are five types of dude I’ve seen around. Maybe you could add more to the list.

The Dandy Dude

Fashion is a good thing, it indicates change. But a dandy dude will either over-dress himself, like putting on a tight, slim pant with silver chains hanging from it, or keep long straightened hairs. Some will even go to the extent of putting on nail polish and plastic bangles. Sometimes, a dandy dude could be mistaken for a girl.

The Sissy Dude

The only male thing about a sissy dude is his gender. His actions portray the contrary. A sissy dude will brutally address you as ‘Bhaiya’, when it is self-evident that you are both of the same age. A sissy dude is justification of the belief that even God can be confused while creating some human beings.

The ‘I Know It All’ Dude

These are the attention grabbers. If you have had the greatest revelation of life and you share it with any such dude, he’ll just look down at you and make you feel that there is nothing new in what you are saying, and he’ll rather point that it was his revelation and you just said what he knew since his childhood. Be warned, these are the dudes the opposite sex is highly fond of.

The ‘Made in China’ Dude

He is someone who considers himself no less than Salman Khan, but, ironically, can’t afford similar lifestyle. So, in a desperate attempt to emulate his idol’s style he will endorse Chinese products wholeheartedly. From his mobile phone, to the party-wear, and even the Jockey undergarments, he will fake everything – leading to a higher resemblance with Kamaal R Khan than Salman Khan.

The ‘You Look So Cheap’ Dude

He is the macho man, a hero among all the dudes. You-look-so-cheap dude is someone fond of chewing-gums, wears strong, irritating perfume, and gives everyone a ‘you-look-so-cheap’ stare. These dudes are greatly in love with their cellphones – where the number of sms alerts in a minute is greater than the minutes in an hour. They also take great pride in ridiculing you for your liking of Aashiqui-2 songs, whereas they themselves secretly cry over the songs of Kumar Sanu.

So, this is it. These are the dudes, at times, I have to bear with. What about you?

Battling the Writer’s Block

Writer's block

I’m not able to write anything these days. It’s not the lack of time, as I’ve plenty of it. But when I sit with a pen and a paper, my mind runs out of ideas. It is tough to put down even the simplest thoughts. It’s like Laalu (our honourable minister caught and convicted for stealing cow’s fodder) sitting in front of a mirror with a pair of scissors and still not able to decide what is wrong with the long, wooly hairs on his ears.

It’s hard and frustrating — as it is for Mr. Manmohan Singh to run the government – and I have even made few failed attempts at writing some humour. My plight is like that of Mulayam Singh Yadav’s speech — the words come out, but they hardly make any sense.

Sir Kumar Sanu’s, “Aaine Ke Sau Tukde, Karke Humne Dekhe Hain. Ek Mein Bhi Tanha The, Sau Mein Bhi Akele Hain,” clearly indicates that I’m not the only one to battle with the writer’s block. Even the great boys have it.

One thing I’ve realized over time is that reading and writing go hand in hand. If I’ve not written anything for some time, it means I’ve not read anything either. I had started The Book Thief  by Markus Zusak, but half way through I was so bored with it that I dreaded picking up any other book.
Anyhow, I skipped the book, and to start anew, I have picked up The Hobbit by J.R.R. Tolkein. Till now it has been excellent. Hope I’ll be able to write something soon.

© Image copyright: CP Sharma