Of Failed Goals & More

June – the month of fierce heat is ending today and the pre-monsoon rains have already arrived. There hasn’t been much of a summer this year; the day it became unbearably hot, next day it would rain and then everything would be cool and pleasant again. Now, the worry for me is that the winter is long gone, and the spring too, and now the summer is leaving too.

In the beginning of the year I had decided to read and write daily, and I mostly failed in that resolution. I had decided to write at least one line in my daily journal and read two books every month (which makes it 24 books in the current year). Now that half of the year is already gone, I’ve managed to read only nine books in these six months. And I’ve filled only 20 percent of my daily journal 😦 .

Half of the year is still left with me, and I’ve decided to not let it pass like the first half. So, I’ve realigned my goals, i.e., I’ve decided to write few lines in the tiny time slots I find during a day, and I’ve decided to read 25 pages every day, which is 250 pages in ten days – sufficient to finish a normal-size novel in a fortnight.

Now this shouldn’t be a tough goal, but the problem with goals is that I miss them most of the time. If only you could suggest a way out this time. I’m interested to know how you set and manage your goals?

Who Killed the Writer?

A writer who has attained the pinnacle of writing. A writer who writes so eloquent sentences that they appear plain to read, a writer who is popular throughout the world, a writer who has a Nobel Prize to his credit, one June evening he picks up his favourite shotgun and shoots himself in the head. You’ve guessed it, I’m talking about Earnest Hemingway. Not only Hemingway, if you look at this list, so many popular writers have committed suicides.

Virginia Wolf Quote

I know life is not easy. Sometimes it is so hazy and muddy. We confuse our existence. Sometimes we feel that we’ve failed at almost everything we did. But why should an artist, who has reached the highest level of his realm, pull a trigger on himself? What were the torments that gave him confidence to take away his life? What was he thinking the moment he pulled the trigger?
I don’t know, I’m still finding the answer. If you have one, do share.

A Tiny Blog in the Universe

When I started this blog in October’12, I had no goal in mind. I just wanted to share my likes and dislikes with people out there. After two years of moderate blogging, my blog is still not in the league of popular blogs with millions of page-views per week, and it didn’t manage to get any mention in the press either :D. It still is like a tiny star sitting between countless others in a black sky. And that is what it was meant to be – a small outlet for my stray thoughts. But then why not maintain a personal diary, why write a blog?

You already know my passion for reading and writing. And for the past one year I have actively maintained a personal journal – a spiral notebook – which I write almost daily. Most of the entries from the journal don’t make it to this blog, because they are either too personal or boring. Bits I feel have some value for you only reach here.

Journal
my idea smithy

Before I hit the publish button, the last question I ask myself is: what value am I offering to the readers of the post. In some of the posts I’ve tried to amuse you, in some I’ve tried to share what life has taught me, while in others I’ve simply let out the frustrations of the daily life. Some you’ve liked, some you’ve plainly ignored, but nonetheless you’ve kept coming to this blog.

My target this year is to write consistently; write things you find useful, things you could relate to. Through my efforts if I’m able to comfort you, cajole you, or influence your life in someways, I shall consider this tiny blog a success.

Ghosts by the Lonely Road

As I alighted from the bus, the chill of the night punched hard on my face. I pressed the button on my Chinese watch and 3:30 am flashed in a fluorescent glow. It was dark everywhere; more so because someone had turned off the lights in the sky. I stood there contemplating where I should go.

Ghost Road

A tiny bulb, the only light, was trying hard to light up the shelter nearby. Shivering, I moved into the shed and found a street mongrel curled over a heap of garbage. The dog opened his left eye, glanced at me, and sensing no threat carried on with his sleep for the night. I had two options then: wait for the first bus in the morning, or walk the five kilometres to my village. I found it convenient to walk those five kilometres of dark than to sit there and have canines struck all over my body.

I took the road by the left bank of the river. It was barely visible. And it twisted through gloomy trees looming on the left side and frightening undergrowth on the right. This was not my first time through it, but I had never covered it by night. The lights from the houses on the opposite bank made patterns on the calm water of the river and a grey mist drifted over it. Those reflections of the lights were my guide for the night.

Suddenly it dawned upon me how many cremations would have taken place by the river bank, for cremation ground is what it was. All the haunting stories of Dancing Pisachas, Twisted-feet Chudails, and the Aatmas crying by the cremation grounds took hold of my mind. I decided not to look at the river, as it had suddenly turned ugly from beautiful, and rather focus on the road ahead. The night was mostly silent except for the sound of the wind now and then. With the rucksack on my back and hands in the woollen jacket, I covered my head with the hood to protect my ears from those screams of Bhoot & Pisachas which were slowly building up in my head. Inside the jacket, I could feel my heart racing like a leopard.

I walked silently, making no clatter of my footsteps so as not to bother the evil things sleeping about. As I trudged the curves of the mountain road, I had a feeling that something was following me. But my courage failed me to look back. In the dark it could be anything – a white cladded woman with untidy hairs, or an ugly-faced man slurping at the extra pounds on me. The only courage I could muster was to stop for a moment and see if the thing strikes me from behind; but as I stopped so did the thing following me.

The silence of the night was terrifying me. So many wicked thoughts crossed my mind. And I could do nothing but walk faster and faster. Tiny droplets of sweat made through majority of the pores of my body, and the winter ceased to exist. I started chanting all the Mantras I could remember without caring for their meaning. I asked God for forgiveness of my sins, intentional or unintentional. As I increased pace, the evil thing increased too, as if it was set hard one me.

I had no idea when the road by the cremation grounds got over and I was soon crossing the bridge to the other side of the river. As I walked the length of the bridge, the light from the temple compound reached me through the mist. My heart rejoiced and my body regained its lost strength. I stopped, turned back, but nothing was visible except the white fog. Was the evil just a fancy of my mind?

I entered the temple and thanked almighty for protecting me. Having exhausted myself, I sat by the footsteps of the temple. The dawn had just started to break. The area, though covered mostly in fog, was glowing white. I looked at the bridge. Engulfed in the mist it seemed like a tongue of a white giant. And huffing across it came the mongrel I met at the rain shelter. A smile grew upon my face and I imagined that the dog must be the evil thing following me, or was he protecting me all the way, or…well what difference does it make?
If the night belongs to the evil, the morning sure must be of the divine. I took my backpack and walked happily towards home. Of course the mongrel followed me again.

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